The term “failed marriages” may be a harsh characterization, as sometimes as marriages evolve spouses grow apart, rather than the marriage being a failure. However, when marriages do dissolve, there are common factors at play. From lack of communication to untreated mental illness, understanding these primary causes can shed light on how relationships unravel.
Inattentiveness to the Relationship
One of the biggest reasons for the breakdown of a marriage is inattentiveness to the relationship itself. As you and your spouse progress through various life stages—building careers, raising children, and managing busy schedules—time for each other can become scarce. Your focus shifts to parenting, career growth, or social obligations, and as a result, your relationship may take a backseat. Without a deliberate effort to maintain your connection, you and your spouse may drift apart without realizing it. You must actively make time for each other, set aside moments for yourselves, and consistently engage in open communication. As you grow and evolve, you will want to navigate those changes together, ensuring that you stay aligned.
Poor Communication
Poor communication is another major contributor to a marriage ending. It can be the little things that fester—seemingly insignificant misunderstandings like you or your spouse bringing home the wrong type of milk. What starts as a minor annoyance can grow into a much larger issue over time, especially if it feels like there is a pattern of you not being heard or valued by your spouse. When these small frustrations are left unaddressed, they can snowball into major sources of conflict. If you and your spouse avoid the difficult conversations in the moment, thinking the issue will pass, you may find that there is an accumulation of unspoken grievances that become too overwhelming to resolve later. Honest, timely discussions about these issues will help to prevent the small pebbles from turning into the boulders that can crush a relationship.
Different Approaches to Finances
Financial disagreements can lead to the breakdown of a marriage. Often couples do not discuss their financial goals, concerns or approaches about earning, saving, or spending money before they marry. Only after the marriage do they learn their spouse’s ideas about working and how money should be spent. These differences in how spouses think about and handle money and debt can lead to the breakdown of the marriage.
Infidelity
Infidelity often results from emotional or physical disconnects within the marriage. You or your spouse may seek intimacy or validation outside your relationship when feeling neglected or misunderstood by your spouse. A breakdown of the marriage can easily result because of a loss of trust that can occur on both sides of the marriage.
Addiction
Addictions—whether related to gambling, alcohol, or drugs—can place an enormous strain on a marriage. If your spouse is dealing with an addiction, you may feel that you are living in a destructive and unsustainable environment. This can lead to seeking a way out. Divorce becomes that way out.
Mental Illness
Left untreated, mental illness often wreaks havoc on a marriage. If you or your spouse suffer from severe depression or another mental health condition and refuse to seek help, it can create emotional instability and tension in your relationship. The other spouse is often overwhelmed by the situation, and may feel the need to leave to protect their own well-being or that of your children.
While not every marriage lasts forever, the reason for a marriage breaking down often stems from neglecting the core relationship, lack of communication, different approaches toward money, and external factors like infidelity, addiction, and untreated mental illness. By understanding these challenges, you and your spouse can work toward addressing them before they become insurmountable obstacles.
Lisa R. Murray is an experienced Collaborative Divorce attorney and Mediator. She can help you determine the goals for your divorce and your post-divorce life. She can be reached at 650-523-8262