Effective co-parenting after a divorce means that your children’s needs come first. Always keep in mind the kind of childhood you want for them—one where they feel safe, loved, and supported by both parents. Setting aside conflict is important to your children’s development. Having a positive co-parenting relationship with your ex-spouse, one that is conflict-free, or at least conflict-limited, is the best way to accomplish this goal.
A Good Starting Point – Assume Good Intentions
When you receive a communication from your ex that seems abrupt or rude, especially via text or email, start by giving them the benefit of the doubt. Assume that their primary goal is to convey important information rather than provoke you. This mindset can help de-escalate potential conflicts and keep the focus on effective communication.
Develop a Clear Communication Protocol
Effective communication is the backbone of successful co-parenting. Establish a clear communication plan that works for both of you. This might include:
- Choosing the right medium: Decide whether to communicate primarily through email, text, or a co-parenting app.
- Setting expectations: Agree to check and respond to messages within a certain timeframe, such as 24 or 48 hours.
- Notification system: Use a simple system to alert each other of important communications, like sending a text to indicate a new email.
By following a structured protocol, you can reduce misunderstandings and ensure that important information is shared timely and effectively.
Utilize the BIFF Response® Method
Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq. developed the BIFF Response® method for responding to communications that seem hostile, and a BIFF Response® is an excellent tool for managing co-parenting communication. “BIFF” stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. When drafting messages to your co-parent, keep them:
- Brief: Get to the point you are communicating, and avoid unnecessary details that could spark conflict.
- Informative: Provide all necessary information without emotional language.
- Friendly: Maintain a courteous and friendly tone to keep interactions positive.
- Firm: Be clear about what you need or what decisions have been or need to be made and by when, if there is a timeline.
Seek Professional Guidance
Working with a mental health professional can be very beneficial. A mental health professional can help you develop and maintain a communication plan, address any co-parenting challenges, and provide periodic check-ins to ensure the arrangement is working well. They can also facilitate discussions and help you both to stay focused on your children’s needs.
Encourage Flexibility and Respect
Flexibility is key in co-parenting. Life is unpredictable, and schedules may need to be adjusted. By being accommodating and respectful of each other’s time and commitments, you will help to create a cooperative atmosphere. Remember, the goal is to support your children’s well-being, which sometimes means compromising and being adaptable.
Foster a Positive Relationship for Your Children
Allow your children the freedom to have a relationship with both of you and their other parent without their feeling caught in the middle. This means not speaking negatively about their other parent in front of them and encouraging them to share their experiences and feelings openly without being overly reactive or critical of the other parent. A positive co-parenting relationship enables children to feel secure and loved by you and by their other parent.
Adapt to New Communication Styles
Transitioning from living in the same household to co-parenting from separate homes requires adjusting how you communicate. While casual, impromptu conversations might have sufficed before, more formal and planned communication is now necessary. Embrace this change and work together to find the most effective ways to share information.
Leverage Resources
There are many online resources and tools designed to help co-parents communicate and manage their parenting plans. These can be invaluable in providing structure and support as you navigate the complexities of co-parenting.
A positive co-parenting relationship with your ex-spouse is achievable through clear communication, mutual respect, and a child-centered approach. By implementing these strategies and utilizing tools like Bill Eddy’s BIFF Response® method, you can create a harmonious environment that supports your children’s growth and happiness.
Lisa R. Murray is an experienced Collaborative Divorce attorney and Mediator. She can help you determine the goals for your divorce and post-divorce life. She can be reached at 650-297-0367
