When a friend is going through a divorce, a natural instinct may be to jump in, defend them and stand firmly by their side. But real support isn’t about choosing sides, it is about being present, respectful, and intentional. Here is how to truly support your friend without adding fuel to an already difficult time:
Remember This Isn’t Your Story
It’s important to remember this is not your divorce. It’s not your battle, and it’s not your story to tell or control. As much as other people’s drama can feel strangely engaging or energizing, resist the urge to get involved in the conflict itself. Being a good friend means staying grounded and remembering your role is to listen and support—not engage or stir the pot.
The Power of Listening
Most people going through a divorce aren’t looking for their friends to provide solutions or commentary, they want to be heard. Just listen. Let them vent. Be a soft place to land, not a strategic advisor. Avoid comments like “Yeah, I always thought your spouse was terrible.” Even if you believe it, it doesn’t help. It can make your friend feel worse about their own past choices. Instead, validate their feelings by being present and asking, “How can I support you right now?”
Don’t Volunteer “Help” You Haven’t Been Asked For
It’s easy to assume what someone needs: a place to stay, a referral, or someone to confront their ex. But instead of acting on assumptions, simply ask, “Is there anything I can do to help?” Let your friend decide what they need from you, if anything. This ensures your support is welcome and appropriate.
Respect Boundaries—Including Your Own
Just as you would with work or family, set emotional boundaries. Supporting a divorcing friend doesn’t mean you need to be available 24/7. It is okay to protect your own mental space, especially if you are feeling pulled into the emotional crossfire.
Navigating Shared Events
If you have been friends with both spouses or even just friends, it can be tricky to decide who to include in social situations and events post-divorce. When those situations arise, lean on the longer-standing friendship. For example, if you are hosting an event and have been friends with one party for years, ask them if they’re comfortable with you inviting their ex. Let them guide that decision. And if both are present at a function, be cordial. You don’t need to engage deeply, but a simple, polite “hello” helps avoid unnecessary tension.
True Support Means Showing Up, Not Stirring Up
In the end, being a good friend during someone else’s divorce doesn’t mean picking a side or bashing a former spouse. It means listening without judgment, offering help when asked, and maintaining grace under pressure. That’s the kind of support that matters and lasts.
Lisa R. Murray is an experienced attorney in the Collaborative Divorce and Mediation Processes. She can help you determine your goals in a separation of a divorce.
Ms. Murray has been practicing family law since 1989 and is an owner of Chase, Berenstein and Murray Counselors at Law in Burlingame, CA. She has been recognized by Super Lawyers (https://superlawyers.com), and elite group of 5% of top lawyers, for 15 consecutive years.
She can be reached at 650-642-3897 or visit https://www.chaseberensteinandmurray.com